Letting go

Finally I have gained the acceptance of my ten year relationship to be at the end. I think I have known that this was coming for awhile and so did most others that were on the outside looking in. I truly feel like a ball of emotions. I know no different, I am honestly scared to step out on the ledge alone and be by myself.  I never been alone in my own place we were together at a young age. I clung to him with love and passion for past 10 years. I will always care for him he had a huge chunk of my life and although it was a rocky road we still have some great memories. It’s just sad that there was no way that I could get him to see that the alcohol was ripping us apart and killing me on the inside. I hoped for many of years I could change make him wake up and realize he had a problem but it only seems to be getting worse. He becomes a monster when he is drunk he blacks out and don’t realize what he has done until the next day. If we stayed together it’s only a matter of time for something really bad happens.

I have no regrets with him we made a beautiful daughter who is our world. We will always be part of each other’s life.  We understand that it is just not working. We both are in agreement that we are not in love with each other we do care and love each other were just not IN LOVE and it has been that way for some time. I hope he really works on himself and his drinking now that he will have his space. He always did seem to want that bachelor life.  I do really want him to be happy even if it is not with me. He deserves to be happy as do I.  My biggest fear after I move out is he will drink even more now that he will not have no one bitching at him about it. I am afraid for him and hope he will see that he just lost his family to want he choose to drink. Maybe he will wake up and see he lost everything he uses to hold dear to him to a disease that’s is killing him and taking everything away.  

OMG TEN YEARS!!!! Even though we are not in love I still feel my heart hurting. I still feel my chest ache. I still have tears falling. I honestly cannot grasp my mind around how it came to an end.  Why my family? Why did the alcohol win? Why didn’t he choose us over the drinks?  He truly did pick he drinks over his family. It makes me soooo upset, mad, angry, hurt, sad, lost, scared, and alone. Were we not important enough? Was I not good enough? Did I do something to make him drink like that?  Could I have done any more to try and help? God I don’t know how to feel is this normal? Am I normal? Is this part of the breaking up process? Why does it seem so hard to walk away from someone I know is a good person deep within but is so consumed by the disease that he is in denial.

I know I am doing the right thing and that’s keeping my daughter and me safe. I wish the best to him and I hope for the best. There are a lot of things that I will miss I hope his family will see my reasoning’s on why I am leaving him I hope they understand that he needs help. He can be such a good person when he wants to be but the past few years he not only tries and makes himself believe that he has cut back on the drinking but he has his family convinced. Maybe that makes it easier for him to pick up that bottle.  I love all his family they are my second family I hope they will still stay in contact with me. His sisters became like my best friends his parents became my second parents, his, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, and niece are all part of my heart and always will be. They all have had an impact on my life and will always be my family in my heart and in my eyes.

Letting go of him is the hardest thing I have to decide, letting him fall now is something that has to be, letting him hit rock bottom will hopefully open his eyes and make him realize he needs help.  I let you go now not because I don’t care but because I do and I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you do.  I will always be around if you ever need a friend Ill be there if you need to talk or need advice you are my daughters father and I will always have a bond and care for you. You were my first real love and you will always have that special place in my heart that no will ever touch it’s a love that shared between parents that connection that will never be broken just know you can always depend an count on me to help you if you need it I wish you the best.