Evaluation Review for my class in ENG_106

Evaluation of one’s life is almost a must at some point in time within ones journey and path through live. Coming to and understand how things started to go wrong and where things turned for the worst was only my begging to healing and recovery from what I suffered from. Unfortunately I had to hit my rock bottom before I started to realize and open my eyes that I had to evaluate and organize my life before it was too late.

I had an addiction and until I realized and admitted no one could help me.  I popped as many pills as I could to numb myself to the pain of my reality. I can still remember when I first started to take the little pills I called happy pills. It was the night of my Grandmother wake when I first begun to take meds that were not prescribed, but given to me by close friends that were addicted to them as well.

I started to get worse as I had to deal with all the after matters, my grandmother did live with me for the past 2 plus years so everything around the house reminded me of her my day where always filled and never did it seem like I had enough time to do what I had to do but I didn’t mind it at all she kept me busy and on my toes. Shortly after my grandmother passed my fiancé had moved out because a fight that we had got into. My emotional state mentally state had only gone further downhill.  So I began taking more medication. Only to have found myself to the point where all I did was cry and stay in bed. I could not just stop the medication cause my body dependent on it and I could not get out of bed and go into another room because everything reminded me of him or my grandmother.

The only answer left was to go through detox and get wined off and straighten up my life and so I did 3 weeks clean now and I am doing okay my heart still aches but now I am facing my emotions instead of masking them. as many people do during evalation is acept change and start the process as i am on my way to a new life.

So in Love

I never thought it was possible to fall so quickly for another man. I am so head over heels in love with him. To be treated with such kindness, compassion, trust, honesty, respect, and so much more. It brings tear of joy to my eyes it fills my heart with happiness. I found someone who treats me so good.  I have such respect for him and appreciation I will never let this him go. I have had such a hard life to live in the past ten years in my last relationship. Dealing with an alcoholic who was verbally mentally and physically abusive, I found that I suffer in mind and  with myself  such doubt and self confidence, depression, anxiety and thoughts that are UN imaginable.  But when I am with him it all goes away I feel it in my heart and soul that God blessed me with someone who truly cares about me. He makes me feel alive, happy, cared for, respected, loved, and like I am someone.  Fate brought us together!!!

He has shown me another world another reality on how I can and could be treated. Sometimes I feel like it’s a dream. I truly found him and he loves me for me. Wow it’s so hard to believe that I can be loved. I learned to live the past 10 years in a life style I thought was normal, but it was not I was totally wrong no one should have to live the way I did and go through all the things I went through. I wouldn’t even wish it on my worst enemy.  the things I have been through which most don’t even know and will never know  damaged  my heart, soul, spirit, and I was beyond broken I was a lost women, believing that that was the way I had to live.  

That was until he came into my life and showed me different I am in love and it’s amazing he stuck by side even when I was going through the worst and although I am still going through hard times he still stays by my side. That says a lot!!! That means a lot!!! I feel protected when I am around him. I feel safe in his arms like no harm will ever come to me, I feel like I can tell him anything and he don’t judge.

I cannot express in word how important he has become to me. When he is not around all I do is think of him and a smile sweeps across my face. When I am around him I can’t help but feel such a strong feeling of love for him. I love to stare into his eyes and have conversations and feel that all we say to each other is said from the heart. Trust was always my biggest issue with people I have a hard time letting people in and trusting them. Now I feel like I can trust him more than I thought I would be able to. He has all my trust; he has my heart in his hand he has my soul yearning for him.

I can see myself with him for a life time and longer… I want to grow old with him make a family him… I found my match I found my soul mate I am blessed. Thank you God for bring him into my life, he not only saved me but he brought me back to life..

Missing you

Wow so much has been going on and yet again I am still in my own head lost as I ever was. Picking my-self up not only has been the hardest thing that I have had to do lately but standing my grounds. Finally I accepted the passing of my grandmother but there is not a day that goes by I don’t think of her.

Sometimes I feel truly guilty I feel like I could have done more or pushed more to keep her around. As I replay the past few months in my head I get more and more depressed wondering if I could have done more. Could I have encouraged her to drink more or could I have encouraged her more to go to the hospital. Was it because she felt like she was becoming too much and she didn’t want to burden me. I hope that that wasn’t the case.  It may have been a hard life to juggle but it was my life to manage and juggle it and as much as I was tired or no matter how frustrated I got I never once regretted or thought she was too much. For the most part she was the one I would communicate with and talk to about everything. She knew what I was going through with my relationship and troubles I was having with my daughter. She kept that smile on my face.

I so miss lying next to her crying on her shoulders and her telling me it would be ok. I miss watching a movie and us laughing like there was no tomorrow, I miss laying there next to her rubbing her hair singing and humming in her ear because it would sooth her. I miss her telling me random stories about everyone and anyone. I miss reading to her, and playing board games to pass the time.

I miss watching in from the kitchen on how she would read a book to trinity. Or how trinity would dress up and put a play on for her I miss everything there was about her and everything she did and said.

I still hold so many emotions inside about how gram came to pass and although it was her decision I felt like I could have impacted her in a different way. Is this normal am I normal? I must at least shed tears everyday at point in time during the day wishing she were here.  Whenever I come home I hope to walk in and see her sitting on the couch watching movies with the boys. I miss her asking for foods she knew she couldn’t have and me trying to make way so that she can have them pureeing oatmeal cookies ummm never an easy thing….

I cry myself to sleep some nights wishing she was here. I wake up and I look for her in the room but she is not there my routines that I have had for so long is now nothingness.  I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to get theses emotions I am holding in out. I can’t sleep at night I have a hard time managing through the day because the lack of sleep is catching up what am I to do?

Sometimes I try and image she were here and everything that made sense and seem okay were all back to normal. And when I snap out of it reality hits me again.

Yes I am a single mother of a troubled daughter, I am not perfect, when I care I care , when I hurt I really hurt , when I cry I am a complete mess when I love I love hard.

I love you grandma I will never be able to say that enough the tears I shed for you  are because I miss you and love you that much sometimes I feel like if you were here things would be somewhat normal for me and I wouldn’t be so down…

lost

I feel myself slipping away into a depression. It seems like a dark hole so deep I can’t find the footing to climb out. I try and I slip further. I never felt so lost and alone all my life. I feel trapped in a mind full of doubt, worries, anger, sadness, I feel scared. I know it will eventually pass or so I hope I need to find the courage I once had I need to find who I was and what I wanted out of life. I have burned people I truly cared about throughout my years and learned to push them all away. Was this because it was easier then letting them in? I need some soul searching who am I? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be with? I know somewhere deep within I have a lot of love to share I have a caring personality, but lately I feel like closing everyone off. I need to get comfortable with myself and be comfortable in my own skin… Please God guide me through my dark hours please give my strength.

passing away Beatrice F Van Vranken

My Grandmother passed away here at home with her loved ones Thursday November 18, 2010 at 1:34 am calling hours were at Riverview funeral home in Troy NY on 11/20/10 from 5-8 pm and she was laid to rest at St. Mary’s cemetery on 11/21/10. She was an amazing person and will be greatly missed. She is now soaring high with all the other angles. My heart aches, my soul hurts the tears seem to flow like a river. The pain is just too real for a part of me misses her like a mother another misses her like a grandmother and in a lot of ways taking care of her for the past years and some months like a child. My emotions are all over the place I am unsure at time what to feel because the feeling feel is like no other. Every room I enter in my house I see her face, my routines for each day are different and I miss her soo. I know and understand she is no longer in any pain in which I am happy that she is not suffering and that she is where she wants to be with her husband and other loved ones that passed on before her.  As much as I try to be strong I feel weak. I find myself in a deep depression tiring to hold on and pull myself out with what might I have left. The past few months have been a journey making me reflect back on my own life and where I want to be, who I want to be with, and where I want to go.
evaluating my own life has been a huge struggle. i had to put things in order but before i could do thata i had to hit my rock bottom. recently i have hit my rock bottom which put my life in perspective. since my grandmother passed away, i went through a break up from my ten year relationship. i found myself getting lost in my own depression with no way out and no one i would let in to guide me. to easy my pain and suffering mentally i started to take pills that were forms of opiates, and benzo's whiched put in this mode where i could cope with my daily activites. little did i know i started to come more and more chemically dependant on them.

I was drifiting away from reality and who i use to be and becoming someone i was not. i lost my jobover having mental break downs and being sent home or calling in cause the depression only started to get worse and not better. family and close friends drew a high consern for me and had me go through a detox rehab facility. although i was not a happy camer i knew it was the right place for to start a healing process to what i believed had came close to the end of my life. dealing with withdraws, emotions, and mentally trying pull myself out only became part of a new beging.
i had to sit back and face my demons and my nightmares. i had to face my emotions and feel them to understand them. i had to talk openly to the doctors and counslors that were there to help.

i finally found myself at the beging of my recovery. i know it will be a struggle here and there but i have now a wonderful support system around me which i am greatful to have. without them i might be still going down the same road. everyone need help here and there in within everyones life time comes the evaluation of thier own life where they are going and what they wannted to do for me it was getting back on the right path and that was the path to recovery. with the help from NA meetings and support groups i found a new me.

when i started to get lost was when my grandmother died and my realtionship came to and end. I sometime feel as though she is still near and in some ways I feel her presence around me. I cry myself to sleep now most nights and wake up calling for her they say it will get easier but will it really? All I know is that I loved her more than words can say so if you can hear me now grandma I tell you this “ Its okay now for you to be at peace don’t worry about me like you were before you passed I will be okay I love you with all my heart and always will you will be missed more then you will know and I hold on and cherish every moment we had together. I have you in my heart forever and always and have you in my mind with all the memories we created I love you and someday we will be together again” lots of love your one and only stacy. ronnie if you could hear me now this is what i sayt o you " i love with all my heart and only wish for my family back together. i wish nothing but the best for you and wish you the best. even if you dont choose me. i will always be here as we share a common bond through our daughter. i love you and always have and will always hold a spot for you in my heart" lots of love Stacy

Grandpa Tell Me Bout The Good Old Days

Letting go

Finally I have gained the acceptance of my ten year relationship to be at the end. I think I have known that this was coming for awhile and so did most others that were on the outside looking in. I truly feel like a ball of emotions. I know no different, I am honestly scared to step out on the ledge alone and be by myself.  I never been alone in my own place we were together at a young age. I clung to him with love and passion for past 10 years. I will always care for him he had a huge chunk of my life and although it was a rocky road we still have some great memories. It’s just sad that there was no way that I could get him to see that the alcohol was ripping us apart and killing me on the inside. I hoped for many of years I could change make him wake up and realize he had a problem but it only seems to be getting worse. He becomes a monster when he is drunk he blacks out and don’t realize what he has done until the next day. If we stayed together it’s only a matter of time for something really bad happens.

I have no regrets with him we made a beautiful daughter who is our world. We will always be part of each other’s life.  We understand that it is just not working. We both are in agreement that we are not in love with each other we do care and love each other were just not IN LOVE and it has been that way for some time. I hope he really works on himself and his drinking now that he will have his space. He always did seem to want that bachelor life.  I do really want him to be happy even if it is not with me. He deserves to be happy as do I.  My biggest fear after I move out is he will drink even more now that he will not have no one bitching at him about it. I am afraid for him and hope he will see that he just lost his family to want he choose to drink. Maybe he will wake up and see he lost everything he uses to hold dear to him to a disease that’s is killing him and taking everything away.  

OMG TEN YEARS!!!! Even though we are not in love I still feel my heart hurting. I still feel my chest ache. I still have tears falling. I honestly cannot grasp my mind around how it came to an end.  Why my family? Why did the alcohol win? Why didn’t he choose us over the drinks?  He truly did pick he drinks over his family. It makes me soooo upset, mad, angry, hurt, sad, lost, scared, and alone. Were we not important enough? Was I not good enough? Did I do something to make him drink like that?  Could I have done any more to try and help? God I don’t know how to feel is this normal? Am I normal? Is this part of the breaking up process? Why does it seem so hard to walk away from someone I know is a good person deep within but is so consumed by the disease that he is in denial.

I know I am doing the right thing and that’s keeping my daughter and me safe. I wish the best to him and I hope for the best. There are a lot of things that I will miss I hope his family will see my reasoning’s on why I am leaving him I hope they understand that he needs help. He can be such a good person when he wants to be but the past few years he not only tries and makes himself believe that he has cut back on the drinking but he has his family convinced. Maybe that makes it easier for him to pick up that bottle.  I love all his family they are my second family I hope they will still stay in contact with me. His sisters became like my best friends his parents became my second parents, his, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, and niece are all part of my heart and always will be. They all have had an impact on my life and will always be my family in my heart and in my eyes.

Letting go of him is the hardest thing I have to decide, letting him fall now is something that has to be, letting him hit rock bottom will hopefully open his eyes and make him realize he needs help.  I let you go now not because I don’t care but because I do and I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you do.  I will always be around if you ever need a friend Ill be there if you need to talk or need advice you are my daughters father and I will always have a bond and care for you. You were my first real love and you will always have that special place in my heart that no will ever touch it’s a love that shared between parents that connection that will never be broken just know you can always depend an count on me to help you if you need it I wish you the best.

Freak on a leash Korn and Amy Lee

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life