lost

I feel myself slipping away into a depression. It seems like a dark hole so deep I can’t find the footing to climb out. I try and I slip further. I never felt so lost and alone all my life. I feel trapped in a mind full of doubt, worries, anger, sadness, I feel scared. I know it will eventually pass or so I hope I need to find the courage I once had I need to find who I was and what I wanted out of life. I have burned people I truly cared about throughout my years and learned to push them all away. Was this because it was easier then letting them in? I need some soul searching who am I? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be with? I know somewhere deep within I have a lot of love to share I have a caring personality, but lately I feel like closing everyone off. I need to get comfortable with myself and be comfortable in my own skin… Please God guide me through my dark hours please give my strength.

passing away Beatrice F Van Vranken

My Grandmother passed away here at home with her loved ones Thursday November 18, 2010 at 1:34 am calling hours were at Riverview funeral home in Troy NY on 11/20/10 from 5-8 pm and she was laid to rest at St. Mary’s cemetery on 11/21/10. She was an amazing person and will be greatly missed. She is now soaring high with all the other angles. My heart aches, my soul hurts the tears seem to flow like a river. The pain is just too real for a part of me misses her like a mother another misses her like a grandmother and in a lot of ways taking care of her for the past years and some months like a child. My emotions are all over the place I am unsure at time what to feel because the feeling feel is like no other. Every room I enter in my house I see her face, my routines for each day are different and I miss her soo. I know and understand she is no longer in any pain in which I am happy that she is not suffering and that she is where she wants to be with her husband and other loved ones that passed on before her.  As much as I try to be strong I feel weak. I find myself in a deep depression tiring to hold on and pull myself out with what might I have left. The past few months have been a journey making me reflect back on my own life and where I want to be, who I want to be with, and where I want to go.
evaluating my own life has been a huge struggle. i had to put things in order but before i could do thata i had to hit my rock bottom. recently i have hit my rock bottom which put my life in perspective. since my grandmother passed away, i went through a break up from my ten year relationship. i found myself getting lost in my own depression with no way out and no one i would let in to guide me. to easy my pain and suffering mentally i started to take pills that were forms of opiates, and benzo's whiched put in this mode where i could cope with my daily activites. little did i know i started to come more and more chemically dependant on them.

I was drifiting away from reality and who i use to be and becoming someone i was not. i lost my jobover having mental break downs and being sent home or calling in cause the depression only started to get worse and not better. family and close friends drew a high consern for me and had me go through a detox rehab facility. although i was not a happy camer i knew it was the right place for to start a healing process to what i believed had came close to the end of my life. dealing with withdraws, emotions, and mentally trying pull myself out only became part of a new beging.
i had to sit back and face my demons and my nightmares. i had to face my emotions and feel them to understand them. i had to talk openly to the doctors and counslors that were there to help.

i finally found myself at the beging of my recovery. i know it will be a struggle here and there but i have now a wonderful support system around me which i am greatful to have. without them i might be still going down the same road. everyone need help here and there in within everyones life time comes the evaluation of thier own life where they are going and what they wannted to do for me it was getting back on the right path and that was the path to recovery. with the help from NA meetings and support groups i found a new me.

when i started to get lost was when my grandmother died and my realtionship came to and end. I sometime feel as though she is still near and in some ways I feel her presence around me. I cry myself to sleep now most nights and wake up calling for her they say it will get easier but will it really? All I know is that I loved her more than words can say so if you can hear me now grandma I tell you this “ Its okay now for you to be at peace don’t worry about me like you were before you passed I will be okay I love you with all my heart and always will you will be missed more then you will know and I hold on and cherish every moment we had together. I have you in my heart forever and always and have you in my mind with all the memories we created I love you and someday we will be together again” lots of love your one and only stacy. ronnie if you could hear me now this is what i sayt o you " i love with all my heart and only wish for my family back together. i wish nothing but the best for you and wish you the best. even if you dont choose me. i will always be here as we share a common bond through our daughter. i love you and always have and will always hold a spot for you in my heart" lots of love Stacy

Grandpa Tell Me Bout The Good Old Days

Letting go

Finally I have gained the acceptance of my ten year relationship to be at the end. I think I have known that this was coming for awhile and so did most others that were on the outside looking in. I truly feel like a ball of emotions. I know no different, I am honestly scared to step out on the ledge alone and be by myself.  I never been alone in my own place we were together at a young age. I clung to him with love and passion for past 10 years. I will always care for him he had a huge chunk of my life and although it was a rocky road we still have some great memories. It’s just sad that there was no way that I could get him to see that the alcohol was ripping us apart and killing me on the inside. I hoped for many of years I could change make him wake up and realize he had a problem but it only seems to be getting worse. He becomes a monster when he is drunk he blacks out and don’t realize what he has done until the next day. If we stayed together it’s only a matter of time for something really bad happens.

I have no regrets with him we made a beautiful daughter who is our world. We will always be part of each other’s life.  We understand that it is just not working. We both are in agreement that we are not in love with each other we do care and love each other were just not IN LOVE and it has been that way for some time. I hope he really works on himself and his drinking now that he will have his space. He always did seem to want that bachelor life.  I do really want him to be happy even if it is not with me. He deserves to be happy as do I.  My biggest fear after I move out is he will drink even more now that he will not have no one bitching at him about it. I am afraid for him and hope he will see that he just lost his family to want he choose to drink. Maybe he will wake up and see he lost everything he uses to hold dear to him to a disease that’s is killing him and taking everything away.  

OMG TEN YEARS!!!! Even though we are not in love I still feel my heart hurting. I still feel my chest ache. I still have tears falling. I honestly cannot grasp my mind around how it came to an end.  Why my family? Why did the alcohol win? Why didn’t he choose us over the drinks?  He truly did pick he drinks over his family. It makes me soooo upset, mad, angry, hurt, sad, lost, scared, and alone. Were we not important enough? Was I not good enough? Did I do something to make him drink like that?  Could I have done any more to try and help? God I don’t know how to feel is this normal? Am I normal? Is this part of the breaking up process? Why does it seem so hard to walk away from someone I know is a good person deep within but is so consumed by the disease that he is in denial.

I know I am doing the right thing and that’s keeping my daughter and me safe. I wish the best to him and I hope for the best. There are a lot of things that I will miss I hope his family will see my reasoning’s on why I am leaving him I hope they understand that he needs help. He can be such a good person when he wants to be but the past few years he not only tries and makes himself believe that he has cut back on the drinking but he has his family convinced. Maybe that makes it easier for him to pick up that bottle.  I love all his family they are my second family I hope they will still stay in contact with me. His sisters became like my best friends his parents became my second parents, his, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, and niece are all part of my heart and always will be. They all have had an impact on my life and will always be my family in my heart and in my eyes.

Letting go of him is the hardest thing I have to decide, letting him fall now is something that has to be, letting him hit rock bottom will hopefully open his eyes and make him realize he needs help.  I let you go now not because I don’t care but because I do and I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you do.  I will always be around if you ever need a friend Ill be there if you need to talk or need advice you are my daughters father and I will always have a bond and care for you. You were my first real love and you will always have that special place in my heart that no will ever touch it’s a love that shared between parents that connection that will never be broken just know you can always depend an count on me to help you if you need it I wish you the best.

Freak on a leash Korn and Amy Lee

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

my perfect man!!!

·         Kind

·         Caring

·         Honest

·         Trusting

·         Sweet

·         Passionate

·         Loving

·         Communicator

·         Handsome

·         Nice smile

·         Protector

·         Funny

·         Friendly

·         Outgoing

·         Active

Confusion

I find myself questioning if I should let him in. I don’t want to get hurt I cannot deal with more pain and heart ache. He spent the night this past weekend and I could not have been happier. I felt like a teenager. I felt relaxed calm and at peace with myself. He held me all night. It felt so right and felt so good. I have not had that feeling in such a long time I forgot what it felt like. With the warm tingling sensation from head to toe I knew where I belonged. God how I wish it were so easy to drop everything and run into his arms and tell him how I feel. Can someone get feelings this quick? I have such a strong feeling for him it scares me. I don’t want to be turned down nor rejected but for some reason in my head I feel its coming. I don’t know if it is just me and my self doubt or is it really that I feel more for him then he does me? Did I read too much into it? was it just what  it was this weekend two lonely people sharing a night together and getting caught in the heat of the moment,  All these questions and no answers. I have barley heard from him this week so I feel the worst is to come the “let’s be friends” or “it’s not you it’s me” did I get my hopes up to soon. I left myself in a venerable spot my feelings on my sleeve. I am starting to believe I read too much into it. Either way I still believe that he is a wonderful man and deserves the best and maybe I am not the best for him. I would like to see a future between us but if it doesn’t happen I will have move on. It will be me and my trin trin…. Maybe I am just meant to be by myself.  A loner

dream or reality

I opened up to him because I felt a connection; in his arms I haven’t felt that safe in such a long time. It was a warm sensation, I felt protected cared for and wanted. Something about him makes me smile inside and out.  It’s a feeling I can’t explain when he is not here I think about him when he is here I can’t stop looking at him. It is hard to believe there is a good man in front of me.  He is an amazing person on so many different levels. I can talk to him about anything and feel comfortable.  I feel as though he understands me he listens and gives some pretty good advice. This man in front of me is someone who I have dreamt about is this real? Could this be just my imagination?

I could truly see myself with him, he has had it hard throughout his life and I can relate. While i am going through this difficult time with my grandmother dying he is here for me.  So many things come to mind when I think of him kind, courteous, respectable, caring, goal oriented, one of a kind, handsome, smart, funny amazing, wonderful honest, trustful and I can go on and on… I finally feel like I can feel again. I have felt more alive hangout with him then I have in years. I think we would be great for each other. How I want him in my life!!!!  is this really real  or is this just a dream i have been dreming? can this be reality? someone pinch me and wake me up!!!

Did i really just open up to another person? wow how amazing it feels to feel that feeling of being alive. i have been around alot of people and never felt this alive. i have nothing but great things to say about him.  wow thats all i can say!!! i hope this does not end..

God everytime i hear his voice i get butterflies in my stomach and to hear him talk makes my day. please dont let it end!!!

Seeing the world through a childs eyes

I truly believe that some of us as we became adults and grew up forgot what it was like to be a child. But the truth of the matter is that we all have child like instincts. When we are sick we want our parents, when were in trouble who do we call (I know my first call is my dad) when were confused we confide in our parents hoping to seek approval one way or another. If it’s not the parents we turn to it’s usually someone we look up to. I call these people “like parents”   I have had many of those throughout my life.

Now that I am a mother I try to be that good mom the mom that she will come to when she is ever in need of anything.  This is a learning adventure for us both. Lacking the motherly bond with my own birth mother I am fully driven to be the opposite with my daughter. I have always yarned for the bond between a mother and child always looking to fill the whole and gap in my heart. The one person I consider to be my like mom is my grandmother being brought half in her house and half in my mother’s it seemed that I depended on my grandmother for more of the motherly connection.  

If I could tell my mother all the pain and suffering she caused I would but to avoid any arguments now I just bury it in my mind.  Although she has changed over the years and has become truly a genuine person I still have all this emotion bottled up from things that she has done. YES I learned to forgive her over the years but without her acknowledging her wrong doing and a simple I am sorry I feel that our relationship will never be truly healed.  

we have working on  mend things between us for the past several months. And so I start to let her in but still I hold one hand up to prevent her from fully coming into my world. I have blamed her for so much that has happened to me that for the past 20 years we have had a hate love relationship.  it will take time before both arms are completely open. My cousin says that I should get it off my chest she said it would be like a weight lifted and then and only then could we truly start to heal the relationship and mend the holes and bridge the gaps. but at least we are on the right track to healing what realtionship is left. <3

I say to you mom… please listens to me and see what I was seeing through the eyes of your child the child in me…

Today is a new day!!!

Today is a new day and I am hoping for the best. Taking care of my grandmother for the past year until now has given me a new look on life. It has me thinking where I want to be who I want to be with and where do I want to go from here. Life is so fragile and for the most part a lot of people take it for granted. Over the years I have learned to forgive the people who have done me wrong, for that’s the type of people they are. They hold no power over me and in the end there day will come when they will be judged and it will not be by me it will be God the only one who has the right to pass judgment. Life can be both desirable and painful.

I constantly ask myself why I have had such a struggle through life. Why do I feel like every time I get on the right path I have hurtles that I have to overcome before I can see the straight narrow path? Why is it that I do for all others ask for nothing in return and yet my life still is hard on me? Am I doing something wrong? As much as I sit and ponder about what life has given me so far the only thing I can come up with is that God gave me life he choose me to overcome these obstacles he would not put things in my path that I could not overcome somehow, he challenges me and my character and in the end it makes me stronger and wiser.  I may not be able to understand his reasoning’s behind it but I know it is a good one he gives me my strength when I am weak, his gives me faith when I have doubt, he gives me light when its dark and he is t here in my darkest hours.

It is very painful to sit here and watch my grandmother fade but I know it is not her soul it is her body that is at the end. Right now she is in between worlds one foot here and one foot there. There is that shift that occurs within a person that takes them from a mental processing of death to a true comprehension and belief in their own mortality. This is where separation begins and when that person is near they sleep and although that what we see on the outside as sleep there is a lot going on in the inside. Inside is where she is sorting out and evaluating herself and her life that she lived. I once read that words are seen as being connected with the physical life that is being left behind and that words lose their importance touch and wordlessness take on more meaning. God bless our souls!!!

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Dear Grandma

As long as I can remember you were always there, you where there to pick up the pieces of a broken family. You were the one to try and hold the family together although it was a fight against gravity. So many has depended on you throughout your life you have done some amazing things.  I am grateful and blessed to have had you in my circle of life my love for you is endless. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I would move mountains for you.  You bestowed some wonderful morals and beliefs in me that I am the person I am today because of your help in raising me.  

In some sense you filled my heart with a motherly bond that I lacked with my own mother. You Grandma you were the one to fill that gap and bridge that hole in my heart.  You have done well by all your grandchildren we are so proud of who you are.

I came to you with such despise of hatefulness of my mother that you could read in my eyes, with such hurt and angry that filled my heart.  You knew my world was coming apart. You reached to me with open arms a pulled me close to keep me safe and warm.  The love I have for you is endless and it will always continue to be there.

The past year has been a journey taking you in was the best thing I have ever done. Caring for you is something I would do over and over. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. The fact of the matter is that you are my grandmother and always will be. But the past year you have been more it’s like your grandma YES but I take care of you like you were my child. With comforting you changing you bathing you feeding you taking you to doctors and taking caring of all the other things in between it is starting to hit me hard now that you are not going to be here in a physical form to much longer.

I hurt so bad inside I want to cry to let you go and let you die is a feeling I can’t explain that is inside. There is this emotion I can’t express all I feel is a bunch of emptiness. Having you here at home until your last breathe at least I know you are at peace and can rest. I promised you that I would stay by your side and here I sit and all I do is cry. To see the sadness in your eyes and hear your whispers “don’t cry” we both know what is happening and we hold each other hands in comfort you whisper you’re scared I try to keep faith that when it’s your time you gain your strength to make to journey to the next world and suffer no more in this one.  You are a fighter and have been for some time now I love you grandma I can’t seem to say that enough don’t be scared it’s going to be the end of this journey and a new beginning to another.