Wow so much has been going on and yet again I am still in my own head lost as I ever was. Picking my-self up not only has been the hardest thing that I have had to do lately but standing my grounds. Finally I accepted the passing of my grandmother but there is not a day that goes by I don’t think of her.
Sometimes I feel truly guilty I feel like I could have done more or pushed more to keep her around. As I replay the past few months in my head I get more and more depressed wondering if I could have done more. Could I have encouraged her to drink more or could I have encouraged her more to go to the hospital. Was it because she felt like she was becoming too much and she didn’t want to burden me. I hope that that wasn’t the case. It may have been a hard life to juggle but it was my life to manage and juggle it and as much as I was tired or no matter how frustrated I got I never once regretted or thought she was too much. For the most part she was the one I would communicate with and talk to about everything. She knew what I was going through with my relationship and troubles I was having with my daughter. She kept that smile on my face.
I so miss lying next to her crying on her shoulders and her telling me it would be ok. I miss watching a movie and us laughing like there was no tomorrow, I miss laying there next to her rubbing her hair singing and humming in her ear because it would sooth her. I miss her telling me random stories about everyone and anyone. I miss reading to her, and playing board games to pass the time.
I miss watching in from the kitchen on how she would read a book to trinity. Or how trinity would dress up and put a play on for her I miss everything there was about her and everything she did and said.
I still hold so many emotions inside about how gram came to pass and although it was her decision I felt like I could have impacted her in a different way. Is this normal am I normal? I must at least shed tears everyday at point in time during the day wishing she were here. Whenever I come home I hope to walk in and see her sitting on the couch watching movies with the boys. I miss her asking for foods she knew she couldn’t have and me trying to make way so that she can have them pureeing oatmeal cookies ummm never an easy thing….
I cry myself to sleep some nights wishing she was here. I wake up and I look for her in the room but she is not there my routines that I have had for so long is now nothingness. I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to get theses emotions I am holding in out. I can’t sleep at night I have a hard time managing through the day because the lack of sleep is catching up what am I to do?
Sometimes I try and image she were here and everything that made sense and seem okay were all back to normal. And when I snap out of it reality hits me again.
Yes I am a single mother of a troubled daughter, I am not perfect, when I care I care , when I hurt I really hurt , when I cry I am a complete mess when I love I love hard.
I love you grandma I will never be able to say that enough the tears I shed for you are because I miss you and love you that much sometimes I feel like if you were here things would be somewhat normal for me and I wouldn’t be so down…
