Evaluation Review for my class in ENG_106

Evaluation of one’s life is almost a must at some point in time within ones journey and path through live. Coming to and understand how things started to go wrong and where things turned for the worst was only my begging to healing and recovery from what I suffered from. Unfortunately I had to hit my rock bottom before I started to realize and open my eyes that I had to evaluate and organize my life before it was too late.

I had an addiction and until I realized and admitted no one could help me.  I popped as many pills as I could to numb myself to the pain of my reality. I can still remember when I first started to take the little pills I called happy pills. It was the night of my Grandmother wake when I first begun to take meds that were not prescribed, but given to me by close friends that were addicted to them as well.

I started to get worse as I had to deal with all the after matters, my grandmother did live with me for the past 2 plus years so everything around the house reminded me of her my day where always filled and never did it seem like I had enough time to do what I had to do but I didn’t mind it at all she kept me busy and on my toes. Shortly after my grandmother passed my fiancé had moved out because a fight that we had got into. My emotional state mentally state had only gone further downhill.  So I began taking more medication. Only to have found myself to the point where all I did was cry and stay in bed. I could not just stop the medication cause my body dependent on it and I could not get out of bed and go into another room because everything reminded me of him or my grandmother.

The only answer left was to go through detox and get wined off and straighten up my life and so I did 3 weeks clean now and I am doing okay my heart still aches but now I am facing my emotions instead of masking them. as many people do during evalation is acept change and start the process as i am on my way to a new life.

So in Love

I never thought it was possible to fall so quickly for another man. I am so head over heels in love with him. To be treated with such kindness, compassion, trust, honesty, respect, and so much more. It brings tear of joy to my eyes it fills my heart with happiness. I found someone who treats me so good.  I have such respect for him and appreciation I will never let this him go. I have had such a hard life to live in the past ten years in my last relationship. Dealing with an alcoholic who was verbally mentally and physically abusive, I found that I suffer in mind and  with myself  such doubt and self confidence, depression, anxiety and thoughts that are UN imaginable.  But when I am with him it all goes away I feel it in my heart and soul that God blessed me with someone who truly cares about me. He makes me feel alive, happy, cared for, respected, loved, and like I am someone.  Fate brought us together!!!

He has shown me another world another reality on how I can and could be treated. Sometimes I feel like it’s a dream. I truly found him and he loves me for me. Wow it’s so hard to believe that I can be loved. I learned to live the past 10 years in a life style I thought was normal, but it was not I was totally wrong no one should have to live the way I did and go through all the things I went through. I wouldn’t even wish it on my worst enemy.  the things I have been through which most don’t even know and will never know  damaged  my heart, soul, spirit, and I was beyond broken I was a lost women, believing that that was the way I had to live.  

That was until he came into my life and showed me different I am in love and it’s amazing he stuck by side even when I was going through the worst and although I am still going through hard times he still stays by my side. That says a lot!!! That means a lot!!! I feel protected when I am around him. I feel safe in his arms like no harm will ever come to me, I feel like I can tell him anything and he don’t judge.

I cannot express in word how important he has become to me. When he is not around all I do is think of him and a smile sweeps across my face. When I am around him I can’t help but feel such a strong feeling of love for him. I love to stare into his eyes and have conversations and feel that all we say to each other is said from the heart. Trust was always my biggest issue with people I have a hard time letting people in and trusting them. Now I feel like I can trust him more than I thought I would be able to. He has all my trust; he has my heart in his hand he has my soul yearning for him.

I can see myself with him for a life time and longer… I want to grow old with him make a family him… I found my match I found my soul mate I am blessed. Thank you God for bring him into my life, he not only saved me but he brought me back to life..

Missing you

Wow so much has been going on and yet again I am still in my own head lost as I ever was. Picking my-self up not only has been the hardest thing that I have had to do lately but standing my grounds. Finally I accepted the passing of my grandmother but there is not a day that goes by I don’t think of her.

Sometimes I feel truly guilty I feel like I could have done more or pushed more to keep her around. As I replay the past few months in my head I get more and more depressed wondering if I could have done more. Could I have encouraged her to drink more or could I have encouraged her more to go to the hospital. Was it because she felt like she was becoming too much and she didn’t want to burden me. I hope that that wasn’t the case.  It may have been a hard life to juggle but it was my life to manage and juggle it and as much as I was tired or no matter how frustrated I got I never once regretted or thought she was too much. For the most part she was the one I would communicate with and talk to about everything. She knew what I was going through with my relationship and troubles I was having with my daughter. She kept that smile on my face.

I so miss lying next to her crying on her shoulders and her telling me it would be ok. I miss watching a movie and us laughing like there was no tomorrow, I miss laying there next to her rubbing her hair singing and humming in her ear because it would sooth her. I miss her telling me random stories about everyone and anyone. I miss reading to her, and playing board games to pass the time.

I miss watching in from the kitchen on how she would read a book to trinity. Or how trinity would dress up and put a play on for her I miss everything there was about her and everything she did and said.

I still hold so many emotions inside about how gram came to pass and although it was her decision I felt like I could have impacted her in a different way. Is this normal am I normal? I must at least shed tears everyday at point in time during the day wishing she were here.  Whenever I come home I hope to walk in and see her sitting on the couch watching movies with the boys. I miss her asking for foods she knew she couldn’t have and me trying to make way so that she can have them pureeing oatmeal cookies ummm never an easy thing….

I cry myself to sleep some nights wishing she was here. I wake up and I look for her in the room but she is not there my routines that I have had for so long is now nothingness.  I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to get theses emotions I am holding in out. I can’t sleep at night I have a hard time managing through the day because the lack of sleep is catching up what am I to do?

Sometimes I try and image she were here and everything that made sense and seem okay were all back to normal. And when I snap out of it reality hits me again.

Yes I am a single mother of a troubled daughter, I am not perfect, when I care I care , when I hurt I really hurt , when I cry I am a complete mess when I love I love hard.

I love you grandma I will never be able to say that enough the tears I shed for you  are because I miss you and love you that much sometimes I feel like if you were here things would be somewhat normal for me and I wouldn’t be so down…